I really struggled with the end of 2022, regarding the “end of year” posts. Over the past few years, I haven’t taken as many photos or videos as I used to. Is it because I’m burnt out? Social media hasn’t seemed as fun to me as years before. Everything seems designed to generate outrage or to garner a reaction. Sometimes even simple conversations turn into sparring of words.
2022 started off pretty rough for me. I told myself that no matter how big or small my victories were, I was going to celebrate and appreciate them. Then my boss of nearly 7 years stopped paying me. I hadn’t heard from her in a few months, but I was still getting paid. I kept reaching out to her, but she never responded. I would resort to checking her LinkedIn or IG to see if she’s still alive. I assume so, considering I’m still under her phone plan.
I would stare at my grey walls for days on end, waiting for something to happen. Of course, I was angry at my boss, but I was angrier at myself. In the beginning, I enjoyed the job. But then sometimes paychecks would come late. Rent and bills are due. The stress headaches became frequent. And something in the back of my head said that this was a dead-end job, that I wasn’t feeling “fulfilled,” but I stayed, because I thought things would change.
Change came in the form of her no longer paying me. I scrambled to find something. Luckily one of my godsisters gave me a generous loan that kept me afloat for a few months while I looked for work. I submitted applications on job sites. I worked with job recruiters. It is REALLY difficult trying to get over the “why did you leave your last job?” question. I can’t use the “Oh I think my skills are better utilized elsewhere.” No, the answer is “My fucking boss just ghosted me after working for seven years.”
In March, I applied for a scholarship for a screenwriting class. I had just finished “The Craft of Screenwriting” by Jim Mercurio and ran out of my free subscription of Masterclass. I found them to be good, but I felt I needed this material taught in a class. I submitted my writing sample and my script. I was honest in my scholarship application - look, I’m in between jobs and I can’t afford this class. A few days later, they asked for me to hop on a Zoom and said “the script was so good that we just had to talk to her.” And the class is just what I needed.
In April I finally landed a remote sales job for an art fintech company. I actually really liked the concept of the company - they buy high-end art, people buy shares, and when they sell, shareholders make a profit. My job was to call up the people who had signed up but hadn’t made an interview. We were supposed to make upwards of 300 calls daily (I saw some guy regularly do 400+) and book 5 appointments. I usually booked 5 appointments, but I was so stressed from the job that I left after two weeks. I was good at it, but I wasn’t going to sacrifice my physical and mental health. It was so bad that I thought I had covid - I was feeling faint, I had chest pains that wouldn’t go away. As soon as I would wake up, I felt like someone had been sitting on my chest.
I kid you not, the moment I left the building after returning my equipment, my chest was no longer tight, and I no longer felt that stress.
In May, I saw an ad on Lex for a job that could be something interesting and more fulfilling than a soul-crushing job in sales. I was also really adamant about not wanting to work in an office five days a week, and wearing suits, which is what a lot of these jobs wanted. Even though I needed a job, I wanted a job that I could feel good in. But this job I have now is great. I have benefits! There is flexibility!
Things really started looking up for me. Until one of my close friends died. He passed away in his sleep while doing something he loved - attending The Roots Picnic. Several years ago, I’d read an article about how to hold space for someone who is going through grief. And it said, “Be prepared to witness unbearable, searing pain,” and while I had prepared to help a friend go through that, I was not prepared to go through that myself. No one ever is. I laid in bed for most of the day and cried.
When I finally emerged from my bedroom and flipped one of the switches in the kitchen, it stopped working. So half of the kitchen is just dark. Something broke in me. I could literally feel myself crumbling inside. I was grieving, and I realized at that point that I couldn’t keep living like this anymore. So I made a plan to move out within six months. I didn’t know how this was going to happen, but I had faith that I would make this happen.
One of the things I loved about my friend is that despite not having much money, he always made time to travel and have a good time. I’ve been in the same situation myself, but I always let the lack of money hold me back. Instead of looking to see how much things would cost and make a plan from there, I would always just throw my hands up in the air and not do it. It also didn’t help that for so long I had a job that wouldn’t pay me on time. Now that that was no longer the case, I told myself that I would spend my first paycheck on going to LA.
Maybe I’ll talk about the LA trip in another post, but the same way I felt when I first went to NY - a feeling of homesickness for a place I had never been to before - I had a similar feeling. Also…palm trees. Lots and lots of palm trees. Everything was bright. Sunny. Warm. I also went in the midst of a heatwave which was exciting.
When I came back to my apartment, I was already mentally checked out. My roommate had decided to scrape the paint off of the front door, I guess in preparation to paint over it. Normally I would have been furious, but I didn’t care anymore. I knew it would be months or longer before it would be repaired. Just like everything else in the apartment. (Truly this whole situation deserves its own post).
In September, I messaged a friend if she knew of any rooms available. She told me to give her a call. She just so happened to have a spare room in her home and wanted me to check it out. I already knew that I was going to take it, no matter what it was. Because I knew that it was going to be way better than what I was enduring. I saw it and immediately took it. I would be able to use my air fryer again! I’d have a microwave and a functional oven! Basic necessities!
From October through the end of the year, I was working on my script, which I plan on having filmed this year. I had this nagging feeling in the back of my head of what this would mean. And then I came to terms with it - I’m going to be a filmmaker.
I ended the year by going to a comedy show (truly one of my favorite things to do). I was invited to a party, but it was cold and rainy and I wanted to spend time with myself. While I walked home, I passed a church, for their “Watchtower revival.” One of the women said to celebrate today because some people didn’t make it today. I started crying. I rushed home. I got inside and cried some more.
I thought about my friend. How he didn’t make it through the year. And how the past few months when he wasn’t here have really pushed me into doing the things I’ve been putting off for years. I felt guilty. Would I have ever done those things if he were still around? Those thoughts still haunt me. I want to be happy, and I truly am. But I want to celebrate with him. Maybe these thoughts and their impact will lessen as time goes on. I don’t know.
I’ve looked over the past year and realized how a lot of the changes that happened were a result of my anger and frustration of where I was. Over the summer, I was in a book club for “The Artists Way.” There was a chapter about anger that I deeply resonated with. The key to anger is to use it as fuel, as a catalyst. Bad things happen when you allow that anger to fester. Had I let it fester a bit? Maybe. But I did the best that I could.
On my plate right now is filming my pilot in the spring or summer, as well as producing a comedy show that will debut in the spring. The pilot is part of a web series that is based on a short story I wrote back in 2019, about a black Dominatrix who ends up having sessions with the man she has the biggest crush on - who also just happens to be famous. And the comedy show will premiere comedians who I adore and my giving them tarot readings. Both of these things seem like a natural progression to what I’ve been doing for a long time. More details to follow.
If you made it to the end of this very long and way overdue post, I want to thank you. I truly appreciate you. And if you have any questions or comments or anything, don’t hesitate to send them my way.
Until next time,
J.
*applause*